


Later Than You Think

by estike



Series: But Not Too Late [1]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Canon Era, F/F, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25084381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estike/pseuds/estike
Summary: Beatrice was used to hiding in plain sight and be the loner she condemned herself to be, but something is slowly beckoning her to open up.
Relationships: Ava Silva/Sister Beatrice
Series: But Not Too Late [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844341
Comments: 34
Kudos: 523





	Later Than You Think

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished binging the series earlier, but I'm obsessed with Beatrice so I really wanted to try writing something about her...

She had her fair share of names she’d been called over the years — evaluation by others seeping under her skin, becoming part of her vocabulary when describing herself. Some words were kinder than others. Loner. Oddball. Passive. Recluse. 

As long as she remembered, Beatrice was always half here, and half out of this world. Glassy eyed, and although perceptive, always aloof and alienated. She removed herself, they would say. Would hesitate to mingle. Unable to show herself to others, she was nothing more than a well-constructed façade, an image of what people expected to see. 

Others may not even realize that there was a part of herself locked away somewhere too deep to reach. Perfect at everything, alienated by distrust and distance. 

_ Not really here, never really there.  _

She was never actively shut out by others in Cat’s Cradle: Beatrice retreated into the obscurity of never letting anyone come too close, keeping people at the distance that would not do any harm. And never cause any good. She would be keeping people at a distance so they could never see the flaws she perceived in herself that made her retreat, to begin with. 

Was she afraid of the rejection that followed her, ever since she tried to come to terms with what she was? 

Nobody could reject you if you politely rejected them first. Nobody could hate you for who you are if you denied yourself first. If you erased yourself with a fiery passion until you learned to hate what you were. 

Maybe that is why aikido was her favourite when she used to actively learn it. Instead of charging forward and revealing all of one’s strength at once, aikido taught how to respond. She used the strength of her opponent and transformed it into an attack, relying on their technique and finesse, using it against them, instead of showing a part of herself. 

_ Why is it so hard to show a part of herself?  _

Even from the beginning of their short acquaintance, she knew that Ava was her perfect opposite. Having had no other way to connect with the world before, she’d rely on chattering away to express herself. She’d be filling up the silence, always. Even when silence begged to be kept. 

Beatrice did not hate that. Well, mostly. She may have been vexed by it in the beginning, but Ava had this gift — of getting close. And although she was still dancing on the fine line of saying everything without telling anything at all, she found herself almost wanting to share everything. To open up. Without all the vague descriptions. Without avoiding the word itself. Ava might have been rash and bordering on insensitive, but she had always been honest. Wore her heart on her sleeve. And that somehow made her think of a possibility that was beyond her belief until now.

_ There’s always more. _

☀☀☀

Ava still needed some time to recharge. Ava, and the Halo. And after all this hard conversation, maybe Beatrice too. 

What was supposed to be a quick lesson for Ava became a gateway to another vague confession she never intended to make. And yet, almost saying it out loud was equally as freeing as frightening. She wondered, how much Ava understood of her words. Of the emotions stirring up inside.  


_ It wasn’t that hard to get. _

“Shouldn’t we be finding a way to skip the recharge?” Ava asked her. “Finding the loophole?”

Beatrice shook her head. “Have patience. At times, agreeing to play by the pre-established rules serves us better than going against the flow.” 

“When you have no other choice for most of your life but to stay still, it really isn’t the most fun option to go back to.” 

“It is still much more fun than the other option, should you end up draining yourself completely.”

Perhaps she was bored of not moving forward, or truly hated going back to stillness. Perhaps she wanted to know what exactly she was capable of, but Ava did not leave the topic alone.

“Not to put pressure on any of us, but right now it feels like we’re running out of time.”

Running out of time... That reminded Beatrice of the time before she’d be shipped off from home, disgraced. Every now and then they’d go on a day trip with her parents to a town a few hours’ drive away from London. She was supposed to be enrolled in a school there if she hadn’t made the awful mistake of disappointing her parents with her unsavoury preferences before any of that could be made into reality.  


Walking around the historic city centre, they’d pass a clock tower with a plaque each carved high on its walls. After she looked up and noticed it once, she never failed to go back to it.

_ It is later than you think... _ , the first plaque said.

_ But it’s never too late _ .

There was an unknown comfort in those words that helped her through many a stagnant phase. Knowing that she was not running out of time, no matter how rushed she may feel at the moment. How the world was trying to tell her that everything was already finished. She was not too late to show herself to others. To open up. To forgive herself. For crimes that should have never been crimes, to begin with.  


Even when time seemed to have fully run out, there was still a faint flicker of hope. For a change. Something still kept the world in motion.  


Despite that, Beatrice never expected for someone like Ava to tag along. For someone to look at her without any preconceived expectations, and force her to become the perfect image of that mere fantasy. 

Was that the exact thing that made her the most beautiful girl in the world? Or was she just simply the most beautiful girl in the world to begin with? 

_ It’s never too late. _

“Sometimes waiting is what we need,” she told Ava then, recalling the weather vane on top of the tower in her mind, shaped as a scholar rushing to a tutorial on his bike. “But it does not have to be the only thing we do.” 

“Will we check more of the book out? Seems like it has a lot to say.”

Beatrice shook her head. She probably had enough of that for today.  


“Then what?” 

“If you don't want to stay still, we can see what you can do without trying to exert the Halo,” Beatrice offered. 

“Fight, without using the Halo at all?”

“Whatever we do, we must always come with a trusty back-up plan, I suppose.” 

☀☀☀

Ava successfully managed to adopt the Halo and allow it to amplify all the skills and powers she had possessed before — but it seemed to be a challenge for her to let go of the Halo itself on command. She owed her life and the control over her movements to that thing, so it was not so surprising that she'd inadvertently rely on it.  


She needed to let go of those limitations that she involuntarily put on herself.  


“The Halo allowed you to walk but now you can do it on your own,” Beatrice told her. 

They were using one of Jillian’s empty laboratory rooms for practice, trying to find something Ava could build herself on, other than the Halo. She fought relying on nothing but her intuition and while it worked for her, it was never a bad idea to show her some techniques she may use in the future, should anything unexpected happen.  


_ One can never have enough references. _

“Are you going to teach me how to fight?” Ava asked with a cocky smile, ready to square off. “They made an attempt — to show me before.” 

“But this time, we are not tapping into the energy of the Halo. You will only gather some references, for the future.” 

For one reason or another (it was never simply something sentimental when it came to Beatrice) she decided that aikido would be the best place to start with. It would help Ava to put things into perspective.  


Practising brought her back to the time she was only getting acquainted with the martial arts, and her master would tell her to always observe first. To take a deep breath and do nothing but be present. To expect nothing.

_ But be ready for everything. _

Was she? Beatrice asked herself. Was she ready for everything? 

She instructed Ava to make a move on her — any move —, and then see what happens. At first, she found it hard not to rely on the Halo without even thinking about it, for whenever Beatrice even tried to get a hold of her, she’d slip right through her fingers. Was she scared?  


“Just come for me,” Beatrice told her. “Don’t think about what happens next.” 

When Ava could finally come without relying on the powers of the Halo, she’d end up on the floor, one way or another. She made sure not to hurt her even accidentally: it would only require more energy to heal even the smallest bruises. 

But Ava would come again, again, and again. With a different plan to take her down each time, too. She never let herself be too predictable. 

_ She was impressed by that. _

“I chose aikido,” Beatrice explained, “because when it comes to aikido, the whole idea is to use the force of your opponent and transform it. Use it to your own advantage.”

“Neat,” Ava commented. 

“I thought it might help you to find the balance between consciously activating the Halo and relying on your own strength whenever you can. Well, in this case: on your opponent’s.” 

“So, will you teach me some moves, or will you just keep gently laying me down on the ground until we get bored of it?” 

Ava ran a hand through her fair hair and shot a challenging smile at her. She felt the need to look away, swallowing the sense of shame that she should not have felt, to begin with. Ava’s smile was captivating. 

_ Too captivating. _

“You see, a lot of people would call this nothing but being passive,” Beatrice explained, allowing her to replicate the same moves as she showed before. Ava successfully brought her down on the floor. “You took the direction of my attack and turned it against me with one step and I simply followed where you led me. Which was the ground, in this case.”

“But?” Ava asked. “There’s a but, right?” 

“Sometimes you need to see where your opponent wants to take you, to understand them. You don’t need to waste your energy on trying to resist them when you can use it to learn something more.” 

“It is easier to get up from the ground than risking a greater injury?”

“Something like that.” 

Ava offered a hand and pulled her back up on her feet. “You thought all of this through.”

Beatrice found herself lingering in her touch for a moment too long. She told herself to be careful. To watch her step. To watch her actions.

_ To hide. _

She forced a smile on herself instead. 

“I thought it might help you in some way.”

☀☀☀

They returned to real training and thickened the wall. She thought that the small interlude might even help Ava towards success. Being aware of the extent of her own powers and knowing how to call on them — or keep them at bay — would only help her reach her full potential.

_ With or Without the Halo. _

Ava rolled her neck a few times before facing the concrete boulders again.

“Ready for another round,” she declared. She was speaking more at the bricks than to Beatrice. 

“I’ll be right beside you, Ava.”

Their eyes met, and in the next moment, the concrete swallowed her. 

At first, the other side was silent and she could only see Ava steadily progressing through the mass of concrete through her screen. As expected, she began to show signs of slowing down after a few seconds, then she talked.

“Beatrice? You there?”

“I am. You are doing well, don’t stop now,” she asked her.

“I think I’m a bit lost.” 

Beatrice checked the red dot on the tablet, keeping at the very same spot as moments before. 

“No, I’ve got you. At this point, no matter which direction you are headed, if you keep moving, you will be out soon.”

But Ava was barely moving.

“What if I got stuck?” 

“You should have enough power reserved to break through this. Getting stuck is unlikely. I am waiting for you on the other side.” 

More silence followed until Ava finally came back, with a loud thud, seconds away from just sprawling out on the floor. Without dropping the tablet, Beatrice lunged forward to catch her in time and minimize the damage. 

Ava was breathing heavily, barely holding herself up in her arms. 

“Hey… How did I do?” she asked, through a faint smile. 

_ Perfectly. _

Staring at her lips, Beatrice only nodded a few times. “You will need some time to cool down from this, but you keep improving. That is good news.” 

☀☀☀

Although they feared exhaustion, they decided to try and improve their time after the cooldown period. Beatrice could not decide if Ava was pushing herself to the brink because she felt that the oncoming challenge was imminent and greater than anything she’d ever known, or the will to overcome through the greatest pains was something hidden deep inside her nature. Somehow, things weren’t adding up.

_ Above everything, Ava preferred to flee.  _

Beatrice recognized a fellow deserter. She would not shy away from a fight, perhaps, but she had been running away from who she was — ever since she learned that being true to yourself would result in nothing but inevitable alienation. 

_ So, she alienated herself first. _

She may have used a different route to escape, but she recognized the need to run away in Ava too well. Even her exact opposite would be suffering from the same, unbearable disease, unable to set herself free from doubt and pain. But maybe, she misunderstood Ava’s will to run, she told herself. Maybe, Ava was never really running away. That is what she really wanted to have faith in.  


The same way as Beatrice was never really isolating herself from others willingly. She simply believed that a person like her would not deserve the love of others, as long as she did not completely truncate herself and bent in the ways they expected her to bend.

_ All her life she’s been negotiating her worth. _

But what had Ava been negotiating? She wondered.  


Beatrice cleared her head with a light cough, bringing herself back to reality. The tablet started heating up in her hand, although it has been in standby mode for a while now. 

“Ready?” she asked Ava, lightly shaking her head, chasing the thoughts away. “Power should be fully back by now.”

“I’m gonna smash it,” Ava promised with a grin. “A little concrete never killed anyone.”

She thought for a moment, then shook her head lightly. “Well, at least that’s what I’m saying now.” 

They shared a smile before she’d disappear again, only for her voice to echo in Beatrice’s ears almost immediately, asking for reassurance more than anything. 

For a moment, Beatrice wondered. If this was indeed what it meant to lower someone’s walls. And, if she did it because Ava, with her sparkling personality, was truly letting her feel as free as she did beside her. Or if she only wanted to deceive herself into thinking so, because Ava was the most beautiful girl in the world. 

_ Would she allow herself that self-inflicted vulnerability? _

Before long, Ava’s head popped out of the concrete again, then the rest of her body followed. She fell through the concrete, but this time something was wrong. From ankle down, she was captured.

This had happened before. 

“Crap,” Ava commented with a certain edge in her voice. 

She was not panicking yet, but her tone said she could be panicking soon. Beatrice knelt down next to her to assess the situation. 

This should not have happened after they practised so much. 

When she said nothing for the longest time, Ava laughed.

“You think if we rip my leg off it would just grow back?” 

“I wouldn't want to try. You should have enough power left to extract your leg.” Beatrice sighed. “You chatted away this time, it probably helped you lose focus, which landed you in this situation.” 

“I guess I was distracted,” Ava agreed, which felt a little unlike her.

She was turning her body towards the bricks as much as possible, pulling at her own leg in an attempt to release it. 

“Use the Halo,” Beatrice reminded her.

“I am! I’m just lending it an extra hand.” 

☀☀☀

After some struggle and several attempts to focus on her ankle, she finally managed to release herself from the tight grip of the concrete. She exhaled sharply, constating that Ava was still in one piece. 

“We probably didn’t wait for long enough,” Beatrice thought. “I should re-calculate the time you need to recharge. And make sure that you are also not using too much energy on talking while you’re in there. At least we learned something from this.” 

_ They need to find every pitfall before it’s too late. _

Ava’s brows were lined with drops of sweat. She must have been much more desperate to get her leg back than she first seemed. 

Sitting on the floor, she looked up at Beatrice.

“You know, I was thinking in there. This whole martial arts thing and you really makes sense.”

“Pardon?” 

She extended a hand towards her and helped her up. Ava grabbed her hand without hesitation and jumped to her feet. 

“Why you wait and observe until others make the first step, so you can assess everything. You seem to be passive, staying still and taking the direction others are showing you, in an attempt to find out where they are truly coming from. What their intentions are.” 

Beatrice looked down at their hands. Their fingers were still intertwined as they stood almost breast to breast the room echoing the words around them. 

Her eye flicked from their hands to Ava’s eyes, then to her lips. 

_ Is she telling her to act? _

“I tend to act only when I have all my facts.” 

“So you wouldn’t fail?”

So I wouldn’t be rejected, she answered, in her thoughts. It would be so easy now to break the spell. One of them would need to take one step forward, or backward, and everything would be settled. 

Beatrice tilted her head and gently dabbed the droplets off of Ava’s brows. For a moment, there was perfect silence vibrating between the two of them, the kind of silence that stops time from flowing onwards. For a moment, Beatrice anticipated a kiss.  


Then, the laboratory door swung open, Camila standing there with the heavy book open against her chest.

“What are you up to? I think I found something else you might like in here!” she announced in a cheerful voice, chasing the rest of the moment they almost shared away. 

Beatrice pulled away from Ava immediately and stared down at her feet as if the two of them were caught in something. 

“We’ll be right there,” she promised, careful not to look at any of the girls directly. “Ava needs some rest anyway.” 

Ava approached her and gently bumped her shoulder against hers.

“Let’s check this thing out, yeah? And we can continue the rest later,” she promised, with a smile pressed in the corner of her mouth. 

It’s later than you think, Beatrice told herself, as she returned her smile.

_...but it’s never too late. _

**Author's Note:**

> The clock tower Beatrice is referring to is in Harris Manchester College, Oxford.


End file.
